The System... Seems Broken

I got very very very very very drunk, as is usual on a Saturday.

I have no memory of the hours of 3am to 7am. What I do recollect is losing my jacket in a club which was located somewhere I just don't know about.

I spent the next few hours of my sunday, drunk as shit, riding around asking people if perhaps they'd seen a secret underground backalley club in these parts?

Result:
No debit card, no ID, no jacket. Initially, I was most upset about the jacket. It's worth $400 or so, and I got it when I was 16, I love that jacket.

Now, however, my mind has turned to other things. Every other time I have had to have my debit card reissued it was a matter of going to the bank and telling them my details. I lose my shit every few months so you'd think they'd know I'm a regular. The process consists of answering security questions about who I am, where the account was opened, my uber password, etc. Then they get the original bank to fax over my signature and I sign on a bit of paper to prove that I am infact who I say I am.

Usually; they just reissue my damned card and I'm able to eat again. This time, they said "Not Without Your Photo ID".
Right. Fucker. How, exactly, do you propose I do that? That is missing in action too. Oh, that's your grand idea? Get my birth certificate (I lose track of it all the time) and pop down to the Dept. Motor Vehicles and such, get them to bash out a new ID?

That's a fucking grand plan - you can acknowledge that I am who I say I am, *give me money from my account*, but you refuse to issue me a debit card so that every time I need money I have to waste 30 minutes of everyone's time.

I'm the one who's told you every damned detail in the record you have infront of you, right up to how much I spent on alcohol on the weekend and where I did that from, and you want to refuse to believe I'm who I say I am?

Rrr.

Alright, it's time to go to DMV and sort stuff out. I have a bit of paper from the tax dept, a signature, proof of my address, etc. I know that they store my photo on the system - it's a digital camera and it's stashed on records.
I know it's not going to be enough.
I ask anyway. I don't have a passport. No birth certificate. What about the temporary licence you issued me less than a month ago, which has my DOB, signature, name, address, licence number, etc on it - you guys issued it and it legally entitled me to drive around, etc etc.
No: We don't trust the paperwork we issued to you. No: we can't simply LOOK at the photo on record of YOU and compare YOUR FACE to OUR RECORDS.

So: that's it. I'm too disgruntled to fix it. I lose my ID + access to money every few months, and I'm sick of it. Work won't pay me except by cheque, which I don't have an account to deposit it into. I don't care about the privacy implications, I don't care about people doing malicious things with my private information: I would give anything to have them just keep my DNA on record, everywhere.

It would give me no end of satisfaction to be able to spit on people, banks, and red tape, every time they wanted to know who I am...